* I MISSED HIM *

It's doesn't take much to miss him: A song, a movie or a TV show. Maybe it's a friend mentioning his name. The pain is almost unbearable.

The "HIM" I speak of is the man you used to be in relationship or the man who you hoped to in a relationship with. But he's no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You sill think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he's no longer a major part of your life for a reason: He's a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly and you know in your hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot even if he was and is bad for you. You're tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it's time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near. Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with the person which is the last thing you need. But you've probably texted him or called him more than once. You probably regretted it soon after you've done it. You can't just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you've made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight to zero. If given any chance, you would take him back in a second you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit 'I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.' Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn't really exist. Yup! That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn't really real. You may be saying '' wait a minute! I was in very real relationship, what do you mean he didn't exist?''. What you're missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is. You're missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the '' prefect guy ''. It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you've always wanted a man you're in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this " good " behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked: this guys might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines. But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn't actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. It's that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It's the version you miss so much. It's the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can't imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist the creation or idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly made you cry and made you feel lonely. But you don't think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?
The parts of him that you do miss don't really involve the negative. Rather, it's about the idylic. It's about little moments with him that were so amazing, you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad. Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the feel special, he's the one who makes you feel invincible. "The Idea" of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on. Night time is the worst, isn't it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger and sense of loss. Being alone is painful but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled. It's enough to make you want to throw something against the wall. "Why can't I just stop re-engaging, why can't I just move on, why can't I stop missing him". Why can't I make this go away? You're not going to stop missing him until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with. He was just a ghost :)

12.26PM

It may sound like an immature game, but why would he (or should he) put in more effort when he can get the exact same reward? If you find a Chanel dress on sale for $20 would you absolutely insist on paying the original market value of $2,000? I mean, that’s how much the dress is worth. The obvious answer is no, you wouldn’t. If you can get something for less, you will happily take it and would be a fool to offer more than the minimum amount. If a man scores an amazing girl who is there for him no matter what, he won’t put in an ounce of effort more than is necessary to keep her around. If a man really cares about you and knows you’ll leave if he doesn’t commit, he will forget his ex-girlfriend’s name and commit to you in a heartbeat. He won’t delay for a second and risk some other guy swooping in and snatching you up. And if he doesn’t commit and still insists he can’t give you what you want? Well, he was probably never that into you to begin with and it’s better to know before you get in too deep.

-

* The Truth About Meeting Someone At The Wrong Time *

Timing is something that none of us can seem to get quite right with relationships. We meet the person of our dreams the month before they leave to go study abroad. We form an incredibly close friendship with an attractive person who is already taken. One relationship ends because our partner isn’t ready to get serious and another ends because they’re getting serious too soon. “It would be perfect,” We moan to our friends, “If only this were five years from now/eight years sooner/some indistinct time in the future where all our problems would take care of themselves.” Timing seems to be the invariable third party in all of our relationships. And yet we never stop to consider why we let timing play such a drastic role in our lives. Timing is a bitch, yes. But it’s only a bitch if we let it be. Here’s a simple truth that I think we all need to face up to: the people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people. You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had for one and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don’t make you hmm and haw about whether or not you want to be with them; you just know. You know that any adventure you had originally planned out for your future isn’t going to be half as incredible as the adventures you could have by their side. That no matter what you thought you wanted before, this is better. Everything is better since they came along. When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don’t worry about fitting them into your complicated schedule, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest. The right people don’t stand in the way of the things you once wanted and make you choose them over them. The right people encourage you: To try harder, dream bigger, do better. They bring out the most incredible parts of yourself and make you want to fight harder than ever before. The right people don’t impose limits on your time or your dreams or your abilities. They want to tackle those mountains with you, and they don’t care how much time it takes. With the right person, you have all of the time in the world. The truth is, when we pass someone up because the timing is wrong, what we are really saying is that we don’t care to spend our time on that person. There will never be a magical time when everything falls into place and fixes all our broken relationships. But there may someday be a person who makes the issue of timing irrelevant. Because when someone is right for us, we make the time to let them into our lives. And that kind of timing is always right :)

12.46PM

You know what? Yes, I have changed. I'm not as nice as I used to be, because I don't want to get used or walked over. I don't trust everyone and tell them my secrets because behind fake smile is a backstabbing bitch. I distance myself from people because in the end, they're only going to leave. I have changed because I have realized that I'm the only person I can depend on. Just don't give up, okay? Because someone out there feels the same exact way you do right now. Because this is life and it's not supposed to be easy or perfect. Even it is was, we'd all still have something to complain about. So just hang in there. Whether it's friends, family or boys. Nothing will ever be damaged forever. Like they said,  in the end you're happy. If you're not, well then it's not the end now is it? 

Real men?

Real men?

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”  

Anaïs Nin

Most of the men I have encountered, known and loved in my life have been disappointing to me and this further encourages me to lose faith in men and the hope that I will ever find someone who will treat me right. I am not asking for much. Simply for a man, not a boy, who is honest, reliable, gentlemanly and thinks with his brain, not his sexual desires. 

Tonight, while I was out with my friends, I was sitting down and witnessed a man and woman slapping each other because the man had dropped her beer all over the place. I don't know why, and I knew it was none of my business, but I stood up and stopped the fight. The woman then exclaimed, 'We are friends!' and pushed me away. I replied, 'I just think a man should never hit a woman, just my opinion' and sat down. The man looked angry at me and while my friends were checking on me, I couldn't help but feel shocked that a woman would justify someone slapping her because they are 'friends.' Later on that night, while I was walking home with two of my Korean friends, a man came up and started mocking them in fake Chinese words. I told him it wasn't funny. He said it was. And I said it wasn't. I felt even more annoyed that a seemingly 25 year old 'man' would still be so rude and childish.

I watched Once Were Warriors a couple of nights ago, and the scene where Jake beats Beth barbarically sends anger flowing through my veins. The words he spoke over he life, like 'Women need to shut up,' 'Do as you're told' and threatening to kill her is horrible... even Beth's friend told her, 'You know the rules - keep your mouth shut and your legs open.' That some women cannot speak, cannot have a voice of her own, cannot fly is a sad thing. I couldn't help but think as I watched the film that a man should never abuse his physical strength purely just to satisfy himself. A real man does not flex his muscles. The true weapon of a real man is his mind.

I feel so angry, so annoyed, so sad that our generation has come to this atrocious belief that it's okay to treat women like complete shit. I will be really honest with my past now. I am reminiscing on the some on the men in my life who were supposed to protect me, but tore me instead...

My dad who was an abusive father and beat me up on father's day because I told the church in a father's day card that I was glad he stopped smoking. He once bruised my mother's face. One time, my brother called the police on him after hearing him beat my mother up, and as the cops took him away, I overheard one of them asking my father, 'Do you think you're a man because you hit your wife?'

My past loves, one of whom took my virginity, gave me the sheets I bleed on, and shut the door in my face without saying a word. Later that night, he texted me telling me that if I washed the sheets he would give me money. The other, who cheated on me, lied to me, strung me along and told me he didn't want to see me or talk to me again. Just recently, my friend told me she saw him all over a girl in a club, even though he told me he had moved to another country and would never see me again. He was my first love, and even still, I care about him immensely. I hate that.

My uncle, who sexually abused me at young age. Because I didn't know what was happening, I simply shoved it off as a game he was playing.

And my brother, who used to beat me up. One time it was so harsh that he made me bleed.

I hate, hate, hate the fact that my mother has to be submissive to my father even though he is a drunk, a gambler and an abuser. My mother works 60 hours a week to pay all our bills and look after all 3 children. My father does nothing. He sleeps and doesn't feed us, and his temper is hot. I had an attitude with him when I was younger, and he started beating me with a chair, along with my whole family who were hitting me. I feel a sadness when my dad and his friends come over and drink, while my mother slaves in the kitchen making food for 20 people. While they eat, my mother and aunties eat in the kitchen or lounge, meager compared to the men's food. After they are done, she cleans everything up herself, and my father goes to sleep without even putting a fork in the sink. I burn with hate at the fact that some Queens have to bow to fools. 

I know, I know, not all men are like this. But I want to be really truthful, even if it is to myself - most menare like this. They are so lost that it makes me want to cry. 

Where are the gentleman? Chivalry simply cannot be dead, and it is a quality crucial to win my heart.

Where are the men who have never hit a woman? Mean who are strenuous when it comes to discipline and control? 

Where are the men who are honest and play no games with a woman's heart? Because he knows it is stronger than steel, but fragile when it comes to love.

Where are men who makes the necessary effort to seek a woman's heart and win her with hard work? In New Zealand especially, the men do not make an effort, but wait for the women to come to them. Ridiculous. If a man does not make an effort to walk over and strike a conversation with a woman, then if they're in a relationship, he will probably never make an effort with anything else.

And where are the men who respect women, respect their exquisite bodies, respect their boundaries, respect their opinions? If a man cannot appreciate the glory that is the women's heart, body and soul, then how can love blossom from a foundation that is stable and true?

Maybe I am asking too much now, to want a man to go romantic dancing with where he twirls me, who gives me a beautiful bouquet of flowers (I've always wanted flowers!) or even a simple daisy, who opens doors for me, gives me his jacket when it's cold, takes me on dates instead of his bed, loves my body and never pushes what I'm not comfortable with, and one who I can share my milkshake with. Cheesy, yes. But classic, yes. I'm not too much of an old tradition kind of lady, but I do love me a classic man.

I'm staring in the face of a crude reality, staring deeply, disappointingly. I understand that I cannot change all men, all disgusting, abusive, disrespectful and immature men. But from now on, I'm not going to take any crap from men anymore, even if it's not toward myself. I'm standing up to a generation of men who don't know how to handle women - strong, beautiful, exquisite, classy women. And if you are one of them reading this now, please don't settle for any less than a real man who treats you like what you are - royalty. 

'Our people once were warriors' - what happened?

Taken by : A beautiful mess.blogspot.com

* TAKE ME AWAY *

It will not only take me away from my workplace but I will also have to spend a few days away from home. I have a lot of tasks to catch up with at work as it is. So, I've been thinking to get away from here soon. Not so soon but I will. I need time to rest, chill, enjoy the mother nature myself, go somewhere nice and that's what I've been thinking lately. Works keeping me tired and stuff. So, I really need a gateway. I'm planning to go to KL at first. Just to have fun with my friends and have an awesome night but then when I think back. It's not worth it. Plus, I don't think it's a good idea to have that kind of fun. I have a second option which I want to go to on cruise. But I cancelled it soon when I see the ticket price. No option how's sad :( I told Carey that I need a getaway maybe for a week or so. Just explain to him why then WALAAA! He got something on his mind so yeah. Guess we are going on a trip either end of this month or next month. Do you know how excited I am? GAHHH!! I can't even imagine it. I finally have someone would like to do the same thing as me and would like to company me to go anywhere. Eventhough, this time maybe just a simple one like Kundasang. But I'm sure it would be fun. With a cold night, beer x wine, movies, BBQ, cuddling and etc. I'm too excited! But I haven't check the flight to Bali yet. I just wanted to do this trip slowly and not over-excited. Because some people say '' you only can plan, but God will decide''. Well, true or not it's really happen in real life. So, I just want to be steady and when the times is right we will just go. It doesn't matter where we go. The time you spend together is matter. Plus, I always wanted to go on a long trip with someone. But I haven't met that type of person yet. Maybe I will, One fine day. I'm still looking forward to Europe. It may not so soon, but since he's inviting then why not? Plus, it's a dream of mine who wants to travel the world. He's saying that we are going to Europe and travel around. Includes Turkey, Paris, Germany and etc. Just around there and it took like a couple of month to finish the trip. Maybe. But that's just our dream. Not so soon because he's planning to continue his studies and I still need to go to UA. But we will make it after I'm done with UA. Took like a year, but we sure gonna do it. If we still together :)

* Do you you like who you are or Do you want to be someone else? *

Are you happy with who you are or do you want to be somene else? Are you satisfied with yourself or do you want to live a different life? 

Why do we like to watch movies, read the gossip colums and follow celebrities on Instagram and Facebook? I believe that one of the main reasons we do that is because this provides a small window or rather a peephole, through which we can share other people's lives. There is always a subconscious desire to have a different life, to be someone else. Everybody wants a different, bigger life and the movies provide the peephole for the life we want. There is always a subconscious desire for mimicry. If this makes you feels good that's okay. In some cases, the desire to be like someone else drives people onward, to accomplish great goals. However, most of the time there is just curiosity that leads nowhere. 

William Shakespeare said : " God has given you one face and you make yourself another ".

William shakespeare was right. People want to be someone else. They want to feel and behave like someone else. Often, they put masks when interacting with other people. However, there are people. Who like who they are and don't feel the need to imitate others. This makes them happy and live in peace with themselves and the world. Most of the time, mimicking others and wanting to live a different kind of life leads nowhere because people don't take the right steps and actions to make changes in their lives. On the other hand, there are also people who get inspired by reading about successful people and then do everything they can to be as successful as they can, People who like who they are possess self-confidence and self-esteem. They don't need to mimic others or dream about being someone else. If they want a particular lifestyle or particular job or goal, they will put every effort into getting it. They don't feel the need to look through the peephole at the lives of other people.

Oscar Wilde said: "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation".

Do you have your own thoughts and your own opinions? There's a beautiful quote from Judy Garland about this topic, " Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else". There is great wisdom in these words. You become happier and more satisfied and your self-esteem and self-confidence become stronger when you are a first-rate version of yourself. People also will respect you more, when you are a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of somebody else. If you want to live a different life, if you want to be successful as someone else, you need to do something about it. It's easier to read about other people's great lives. It's easier to follow them on Instagram and Facebook and it requires no effort watch movies that momentarily make you forget your life. To live the life you want you need to take action and you need to follow your goals. 

3.16pm

* Connection *

When I was putting this blog together, the first topic that came to mind as essential to recovery was connecting. It was a main theme that ran through the journals that were my first source for these posts. Connecting meant that. First, I had to reconnect with my own feeling, always so remote and unreachable during the worst periods of depression. I had to be able to feel again and to do that I had to open doors shut firmly against even sense impressions of the world around me. Most fundamentally I had to accept myself again as a whole person. I had to feel the strength come back to my own body, see the colors in things, hear the words people spoke, laugh, grieve, feel lonely, want to be part of my family again. Reconnecting with my own feeling, responding to daily life, I could begin to restore deeper connections with some people. I often went through all this quiet quickly, sometimes waking up one morning and feeling human again. At other times, I had to use all the tricks I'd learned just to get started. Hard as most of those periods of recovery were, they were lost in depression before long and the whole process had to start over again. What has the encouraged me more recently is that the pull from loneliness back into connection has been so much fuller and more complete than ever before. This push - pull idea is a useful reframing of experience. Partly because it suggests that there are forces moving in depression and loneliness that go far beyond my own boundaries. That is another reminder that I'm not so alone as I imagine when isolation seems most complete.

* Goodbye Hopes *

I was right, but the last word you get in as the still living is a hollow thing, trailing off, as it does, into oblivion. I love Kowshik. There are no words to can contain love, to cloth it in words is to kill it, to mummify it and hope that somewhere in the heart of a reader, they have the strength and the magic to resurrect it. I can only say I love him. That I will always love him and that I known for years I would. He will always be that person  who made me love him. I told him that I hate him and I don't love him but the truth is I do love him and no matter how much he hurts me I still happy as long as I'm with him. He was so frustrating and we fought. But we fought like we were two difficult people who can't escape loving each other. Maybe... On the last day we spoke, he said he loves me and he won't forget me. Sometimes I told him when he didn't have it in him to say. I'd say " I love you Kowshik " and he loves me too ". Always! We promised each other in a year to do everything that we've planned for each other. Soon when I move near him. I apologized so many times that I was better than what he was getting, that he got me destroyed. Still after stop talking for awhile. He come back when he had an issues in KL. I tried to talk to him and pretend like I'm not hurts. Plus, cares for his situation while he was being destroyed from inside and out. He may not say that out loud but I know. Maybe.. I struggled so hard but not as hard as he did. I told him time and again that I'll try my best to win him back. At the meantime meaning I'm here work my ass up just to stick with the promise that I've made. More than anything, together we loved the world, with the kind of love that grips and tears. We were fearsome creatures, chained to our caring, chained to other people. We were destroyed by the dreams and by enduring so much together of the difficult love affair of difficult dealing people. In the end, he told me he needed to get away from me and he says' times will tell '. I let him go and waited for the day he's come back. I knew that one day we'd have a day to be together again, though probably as a lovers or not. Together, as something that doesn't have a word. I'm giving chance to all the guy that wants to date me. I go out everyday just to fill the boredom and the pain that I have to deal. Having a date with them, it makes me forget him sometimes. But I don't stick to them. I only go out for lunch or dinner for one date to each person. There's no second date. Except, my bestfriend Ryan. The Guardian Angel. He's been there for me thick and thin. He saw me cry, he saw me at my own worst, he saw me on everything shit I'm dealing. I may hurts him, a lot. But I can't force myself to love someone that I can't truly love. He accepted that. He accepted this kind of friendship. My love for him is like the sister loves her brother. We may hug, do stupid things, drink beers, watching movies and dance like a retarded. But it just us, I'm too comfortable with him and he likes me like that. Because I can be myself with him. Only he the only guy who can really understand me. What I like what I don't like and etc. But I'm not the only one he need to take care of. He has a girlfriend now and she looks sweet and kind. I wish I can meet her one day. It's only for 4 days of having a dates and I'm back to the same old routines. Staying at home bloging, read books, play games and read poem after work. Just want to get myself busy. So that I can forget him. But today, I get a notifications from Instagram. I don't know who's buzzing me but I checked her out and after awhile, I found out she following Kowshik in Instagram. Then soon, I saw their comment on his picture. There's where I can tell that they're dating. So I ask him to make sure of it but that's so wrong. Because I'm ended up badly soon when he told me that they're dating. Guess I can get over it already but soon when he explain to me why she's stalking me then yes, it's a huge slap on my face. It's really hurt right on my chest. It's like a war going on inside my chest. The boom is too big and I'm dying inside. My heartbeat runs fast until I hardly breathing. The pain is more hurts than a girl who laying down in a bed at the hospital dealing with the pain after the operation. So yeah, it hits me really bad that I don't know how to forgive him or say something nice and then I ended up telling him that I heard enough and I don't want to know more. The conversation ends there and I don't have the courage to reply him back. I'm weak like totally weak until my tears fall down. Even I can tell you that myself. I usually don't tell anyone what's going on in my life. Even my close friend or my cousin nor my family. That's why I'm here. No one know me and they don't know what type of person I am. People always think that I'm brave, happy but actually, I'm just wearing a mask. I don't show it because my ego is too high and I don't want people to look me down. So he went on to another relationship, and I know this is not new. I know they've been talking for awhile now or spend time together. A part of me died with him. A part will always be with him.  Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bones. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum. Bring out the coffin and let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, scribbling on the sky the message He is dead to me. Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves. Let the traffic policemen wear white cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West. My working week and my Sunday rest. My noon, my Midnight, My talk and my Song. I thought that love would last forever but I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now : Put out everyone. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Goodbye Hopes.. Goodbye Dreams...

Drowning in a darkness

Of deep despair

Believing the lies I hear

And seeing truths not there

See the rays of Sunlight

They shine upon your scars

Reaching for the Broken Smile

Among the hidden tears

Hearing the tear drops

Falling from my eyes

Believe my hidden secrets

And tell my stolen lies

Bring me to the surface 

Give me air to breathe

Let me see the sorrow

Upon my Broke Dreams.

* Bad day x Bad day *

I apologize for the lack of blog activity for the last 2 days. I've been busy at work. Doing stock list, packing list and what so ever shit that busying me. But seriously, it's very tiring. Plus, period cramps strike and there's no way out of this so yeah. Having a bad one! Body weak, headache and etc. Everything just feels so wrong! GAH! Where various things are going in my family life right now that have made it harder to blog. I remain an active girl all day at work. Just ain't got no time to playing around this time. Need to earn money as soon as possible thou or else, I'm just gonna stuck in here forever. Which I don't want that to happen. I like this place but it's really hard to earn. So, I have to make it happen no matter what. This year is flying by and between my obligations, I have not felt like I have had a moment to sit still. In a way, I love it that way and I feels like I still come up short with accomplishing some of my goals. What is the point of my ramble? It is easy to set goals and much difficult to follow through with them. Make sure your climbing your goals can be followed through all the way otherwise you will not see the gains and make the accomplishments that you have been planning on. I just wanted to say thank you to anyone who has or continues to visit my blog. I am not the most fluent with my writing and I just try to share photos and moments that my family and I have had recently. 

* WEIGHING - IN *

Eating well hasn't been hard, but temptations are getting more tempting all the time. They're everywhere in the office and my house, I mean everywhere man! However, it doesn't mean I have to put any of those treats in my mouth. Weight on Saturday: 75kg. I'm staying true to my pledge not to gain over the holidays. If I can stay at this same weight or a little lower once the holidays are over, I'll be very satisfied. I think I should start Atkins back, weight isn't that satisfied me. I need to lose like 20kg in 3 month! I'm not sure if I can do it. But let's just see what's going to happen later. Just can't stand seeing the fat in my body and also, the temptation of nice dress, outfit etc.. I just can't deal with the pain when I see a nice outfit but there's no size for me. Do you know how torturing it is? If you're girl, you know exactly how's that feel! It's really sucks for God sake. Am I right? And I'm boobs, I secrectly hates them, like seriously! I just want to lose weight so that I would be able to wear something nice and looks good! Damn I don't know this topic can makes me this stress but whatever. Perhaps my trip back home and a good talk with my mother will bring some peace, love and lightness.

I'M WISHING YOU READERS WHO STOP BY ALL GOOD THINGS AND MORE :) HAPPY HOLIDAY AND HAPPY CHAP GOH MEI!

* Friday - 3.27PM *

These past couple of weeks have been, to say the least and put it mildly, challenging. Actually scratch that, the last year have been challenging due to some personal issues. I could use much stronger words, but if you follow me for a while you know I avoid sharing anything too personal on here and I especially avoid sharing the worst moments in life. We all have moments of those and this is a supposedly "inspirational" blog and I only want/tend to share nice moments that I either live myself or find around and want to share. Having said that, the last two or so years have been.... let's say... not the very best all around, I've had my fair share of misfortunes, my visa got cancelled (yeap!) I don't have a job and my friends (yes it was my choice but you get the gist) and being back home feels a bit like a step backwards (or many sometimes!). I've had great moments too these past years and I'm being greatly taken care of at home, I can't complaint, all in all I'm grateful. But life has been... challenging probably because I made it more challenging for myself but being too scared to move on and onwards and having trouble finding my way back. I'm a naturally indecisive person and new challenges scare me which makes all of the above a bit more difficult but I try to keep positive (always!) and while I do look back quite a lot (too much sometimes, with lots of nostalgia unfortunately unfunded!) I'm sure something better things are awaiting me somewhere. Damn, those pinterest inspirational quotes can only do so much! Plus, one always learns from the hardest moments in life, how to be better, a better person, more caring, stronger and able to cope better with anything that might come along. 

Anyway, this rant, quite longer than my shorter post that I expected, is to say that I'm in the middle of a bit of a hard time right now, and while I want to resume blogging as usual it might not be the best time to do so, so if you want, bear with me please, I will be back. 

Thank you xxx

* FEELING STUCK *

I recently turned 21, in July. Something is happening to me, something old and sad and deep and working it's way out of me. I’ve been very unsatisfied with my life lately with the pursuit of career and money, with the quality of my relationships and I’ve recently put in my papers at my workplace. All around me, my friends and co-workers are moving ahead in life, finding partners, getting married and having babies and I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’ve done nothing worthwhile, except hide behind work, which has brought be no satisfaction anyway. I also don’t know where I belong. I don’t know my place in life. Friends are falling in love, finding partners and building their own homes, their own harbors of safety with them and I feel alone and left out, anchorless and bobbing in a sea. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t like me if I met me right now. I absolutely do not trust my own judgement. It has punched me in the gut to realise this but I don’t know how to love myself. I’ve stopped taking care of myself beyond the bare basics. I have no desire to look beautiful because who is looking at me? Although one part of my mind knows this thinking is wrong, I am too tired to pull myself out of it. What’s the point? I don’t know who I am. If you asked me to describe myself to you, I would have nothing to say. I’d give you the basics my name, where I’m from, where I grew up and perhaps something like ‘I like reading literary fiction and I love dogs.’ I’m also going through a phase where I’m feeling too much. There are days when I feel like a cork in the ocean, buffeted by torrents of emotion on all sides, leaving me utterly exhausted. Then there are calmer days when I try to meditate a bit, and I try to be friends with my mind. I live in Malaysia and I stay at home, with my family (mum, dad, younger sis and big brother) and my family has been wonderfully supportive in the best way they know how. My sister has been talking to me and telling me to work through my feelings, and my mother has been compassionate and caring and ‘mothering’ in the way moms are. To give you a little bit of background, I’ve always been the ‘action-oriented’ person the person who kept busy doing things, getting somewhere. And I’ve always had my personality and self-worth tied into my work. I am so-and-so and I do this-and-that. What I did gave me my self-esteem and my self-worth. When it comes to relationships, I’ve realised I’m someone who’s scared to let people get too close to me and then I feel alone and sad that no one cares enough about me. At this point, I don’t know how to talk to people anymore, I don’t know what to say, how to relate to them. I just feel like I’m at an utter and complete grinding halt. I don’t know HOW to do anything anymore. I know I need to love myself. I know I need to trust myself. I know I need to relate to people. I simply don’t know HOW TO. I'm just not in the good mood to do it. There's a lot of people want to know me but I just don't know what's wrong with me, I don't feels like socialize to anyone. I just feels like staying at home and be alone in my room. That's all :(

* LIFE AND VALUE *

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.” 

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”

“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” :)

02 March 2015 - 10.47PM

        

  

*THE ROAD TO BE SUCCESS*

Real successes are made,

 Not dropped aside your door.

They aren't a thought you made one night,

While wishing upon a star.

Real successes are thought,

 To be given to only the great.

They think that they work just as hard,

And they should have that fate.

Real successes are because,

 Of someone making it so.

They fight for it and work real hard,

To make their successes grow.

Real successes are envied,

 And rumored on how they were made.

People can be so jealous,

And even want to betray.

    But you know how real successes,

   Are built with hard work and care.

    You've made your way to the top,

    I'm so proud to see you are there.

To each morning the sun does shine

When all seems like a newborn time

To dwell in laughter so much

Is only the beginning for me to clutch.

I will go out to find

Intelligent people of like mind.

To suffer or endure

Of friends who but will not do.

To look upon the earth with glee

For all beauty is in me

To grasp the clouds way up high

There is more before I die.

May I go upon the street

Never ending on my feet

Seeking out the best in others

Always to find I have more brothers.

To make a part of the world

A better place you see.

For every one I must explore

To look upon them as no one before.

To seek out and help

Others is more than joy

To be valued and respected

In all my life reflected.

All of this as said before

Makes me want to reach out more

For it is a challenge for me to reach

This is success for all to preach.

28 February 2015 - 9.35PM

Hello guys, wow I haven't write anything yet since yesterday. Was busy spending my quality time with the greatest people. Since this is my last month on giving up on everything. I feels like I just want to concerntrate to my future now. Just wanna do good thing and make myself proud later. It's worth the effort, right? If you want something, you have to work hard on it. So yeah

        

 

        

        

     N

                                     

 

                               

       

                                               

                                     

This is the some part that I do yesterday. Spending time with my family and going to dinner. Well, the date has been made and I'm going to leave the town. I'm so gonna miss you guys, especially my parent. I couldn't imagine how my life can be without you both. You took a good care of me for almost 22 years now. You teach me how to be a good person, you never miss praying for my happiness and my health everyday, there's too much thing you do for me and I can't thank much for it. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin, for not giving up on me when I didn't win, for your patience when I kept pushing you away, for caring when I said I didn't need you anyway. I am grateful knowing I can count on your strength, ask for your support and know you'll go to any length when I lose my way, you help me get back on track when in pain, your comfort soothes and brings me back. Im lucky to have you as my parent because when I was sad you gave me faith and hope. When I was confused you taught me how to cope, when I felt I couldn't go on, you carried me long miles when I didn't believe and you restored my smiles. Mom x dad, thank you for your guidance and the faith you've shown. For giving me a safe place where I have grown and for showing me how to strive because of your love, I will survive. I'm promise I will make you happy one day. Amin

        

Oh well, we are at this topic again! Accurate? Well yes, all people was asking me. How I can move on too past? I was too down and then few days later, I can be like what I used to. I don't keep any secret, it just my nature. If I know that someone don't want me anymore and hurt me that much, I'm just gonna throw everything and never look back again. What's the point of wanting someone who doesn't want you? You don't get anything. Plus, you're torturing yourself. So, it just better to let go. If he want you, he surely make an effort to do something about it. Example me, he once said that he really want me okay? But he never make an effort to do so. He just leave you there hanging with no text and stuff but still giving you hope. Can you imagine that? So, it pointless. No matter how hard you try you'll never get him. The promise and the decision I've made? Just screw them all. There's no point of bringing this all up. Thank God I get my head fix. So my best advice, don't chase someone you can't have, just appreciate someone who chase you. Who knows they can make a world to you. I can't promise you that but just lets hope for the best and that's what I'm doing now. Giving a chance to someone who appreciates me :)