** FAILURE **

        

I'm such a failure. Today is the bomb! Can't agree more about it. I feels so down these day. I can't concerntrate in everything. I just want to lazing around since it's my off week, drinking beers with good foods and movie. I don't know what else to do. My dreams are over, no money, no one to cuddle and what else?  Everything is not going well as it planned and it just breaks me like that. My mom angry at me because I failed the exam. My brother don't want to get me a Starbucks. Well Ya know, typical whites. I feels like I want to cry! Oh God, can you at least let me rest for awhile. Ugh! I'm so gonna waste my money again to repeat the exam.  Just whatever, too lazy to think. It just makes me nervous and scare so let it be. 

        

  

Love? I'm giving up on love. It's not worth to fight anymore. Its all said and done. He make it pretty clear that he don't want me back. It just me who trying to glue the broken glass and try to fix it. Even I know deep down it cannot be fix anymore and I admire my heart for that. Even it get broken too many times but I still have the courage to make it work again and still they break it, how cruel. Yes, pathetic isn't? You know what, sometimes I just feels like I want to use people or be bad. There's a lot of girl out there playing games with some dudes and they turned out just fine. They use people, playing them around, they got money, new dress, new watch etc, no broken heart, flirting around, happy and etc. why I can't be one of them? I'm so tired of everything. Tired being broken heart, tired being independent, tired earning money, tired of trying, tired of please people ass, just everything. And still, people don't know me judge me. I'm very a good person and a good lover ( I bet on that ) but you people just don't know me so well yet. I’m just a fucked up girl living in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. Welcome to where being me is * never enough *. Just because my eyes don’t tear doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry. And just because I comes off strong doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. You don’t understand me and never will. So don’t start that shit ‘bout knowin’ how I feel. My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams. I’m hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there’s always something to fuck it up, and we’re back at square one. Do you know what its like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what its like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply cause I’m not you. Things are going crazy and I’m not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I don’t feel the same. I’m slipping through cracks of floors I thought were strong. I’m trying to find a place where I feel like I belong. I think I’d do better on my own, no friends, no fights, just me ... Alone. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of crying. I know I’ve been smiling, but inside I’m dying. Maybe if I wasn’t so good at pretending to be happy, I might learn to actually be happy. I just want a day to go by. When I’m not pretending to be happy. Don’t be fooled by my smile, inside me I'm  breaking. Just a strong girl keeps her stuff in line and with tears running she stills manages to spit the simple words…”I’m fine….”. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh. I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am…isn’t me. There is only one rainy cloud in the sky… and it’s raining on me. Somehow im not surprised. Behind my smile is everything you’ll never understand. I didn’t want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry. Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that’s how I feel right now. I feel like I’m facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile. I don’t know if I’m getting better or just used to the pain. When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is. How can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I’m not okay? Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one minuet in my shoes? If you havent, then tell me why you judge me like you do. Every morning you get up and put on a fake smile but what if one morning you didn’t? Would anyone notice? The hardest part about living is taking breathes to survive when you don’t even want to. I can no longer take this torment it has pushed me to the edge of insanity. The girl who seemed unbreakable broke the girl who seemed so strong shattered. The girl who always laughed cried and the girl who always tried gave up. When she cries the make up runs from her eyes and she spit’s the truth about how she feels. Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of getting back up if falling is all im ever good for not many people can see the pain behind her mask. You only see what I chose to show, theres so much behind this smile that you don’t even know. Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me. No one will notice im tearing inside. No one will see im dying deep inside. The light in the tunnel can be a train. My dreams are completely shattered. Every last one of them, gone, forever. My heart so numb. I cant feel it beating and I dream of dark. But not of day. I’ve been cracking for so long and now I'm shattered into a million pieces and stand through the pain. I'll stand in the rain until it all comes crashing down. I swear the happiest day of my life is the day I die. Life is so full of secrets and lies so when you get screwed over don’t act surprised. Ask me whats wrong, I wont even know. Its how FAKE a smile can be and no one would notice the pain that lays beneath it all. I know it hurts. But its life and its real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but its life, and its pretty much all we got. Why am I so happy in public but so sad when I'm alone? Things to do today: *wake up** survive ** go back to bed * You wake to suffer through the day. Trade a dream for the pay. Well here’s the fact, I hope it sticks. You’re just alive out of habit. Music is my medication in my world of depression. I guess that’s what makes me sad is that if I just sat here and watched time pass by, no one would sit here with me. Maybe its just easier this way, maybe they’ll all just forget as I just fade away. When pain starts to make you feel alive you know you have crossed the line to no return. Theres always some reason to feel not good enough. The harder I try the harder I fall. Whats the point in screaming no one is listening anyway. She shut out the hole world including herself. You’re scared because you don’t understand. I'm scared because I do. I’m okay isn’t that what im suppose to say? Feel my pain, hear my screams and watch me fade. 

It's okay to dream :)

       

   

Dreaming of being good again and being with you in the future, that are the only things I want to dream about, just is bad my mind is seeing it differently, just making me see pain of life, pain of me and of other people. I lived my dream for a while, for just over months I actually lived a dream, not knowing if you’re sleeping or not because it was so beautiful, I enjoyed every second of it, I loved every moment of we being able to be together. Maybe not physical but still I received every message you wanted to send me, from telling that you loved me or just a little joke and I hope it are the things I will see again in the future. I want to dream again about all the good things in life you have shown me, what it is to be loved so much that you can feel it all the time, that your heart actually can melt from far away, that you can feel your heart really warm and knowing always that there is someone that will be there for you always, that you can trust someone with your life and all your secrets and not needing to worry that you will tell them to someone else or make fun of it, that makes you smile every time he says a word, that he makes you feel beautiful just by saying that you have beautiful eyes and a pretty smile. I want to be happy in my life again and smile like I used to do when I was with you, but I know it isn’t possible in a short time, I first need sort out my life and need to face my problems before I can dream again of a good life. Without you my life is cold and empty. Sad but true... 

** The story of a heart **

                         

Sorry that this story took so long, I did not have a lot of inspiration lately and I couldn't find interesting, sweet and kind things to write since I've written already many, many things here on my blog but this is something new I've been working on, I tried to make it something that will speak to you when you read it and I hope it will show that how good something may be, It can always be better than it looks and time will tell it to you if the impression you have of someone will stay the same all the time or gets better or worse. Have a good time reading and I hope you will remember better times :)

You will remember it all your life when you meet a person that fits you so, so well that you want to tell him everything and want to share everything with him, that life seems nothing but a party and that it doesn't matter where he is, where he is from, if he is rich or poor or is cute or not, you know you want to be there so bad that it physically hurts that you aren't there. A person that has a listening ear for you and where you can spill all your problems without being judged for them, where that person tries to be the best for you and make you happy every single way he can, even tough he isn't perfect he tries to be perfect for you just to make you happy and feel good. When this person makes you happy you start to feel warm inside, your heart starts to glow and give you wonderful feelings inside and you know you want more, you started to get addicted to this person but it is commonly known as ''being in love'' and it is true, when you're in love you don't want anything else than be with the person you're in love with all the time and try to make this person as happy as this person makes you happy. If we ask Wikipedia what love is Wikipedia will say that it is an emotional reaction to a person that gives chemical reactions that feel good but I think what we had was so much stronger, what we had was so, so perfect, it was way further than in love, you weren't my true love, you were so much more. I don't know how else to describe it. Every moment I was with you it was like a dream, the way we could talk the talk, how the connection between us was so strong from the beginning, that every night we smiled together when we imagined everything we wanted to, that we loved each other already from the beginning and that you made me feel the way no one has ever done before and I can still feel you inside my heart, I hear your voice in my head telling me everything will be alright while it isn't, but just to hear it makes me feel better, my heart still plays our story when I feel sad, just like it did when I wasn't here and in the moments I wanted to give up, your voice made me continue my way. But like every good story, there is a sad part too... what happens when 2 people love each other with all their heart but can never be together, well let's just say 3 years but that's no difference with forever, what would you do? would you give up or stick together, Will your love fight the tears of your lover and make him/her believe that even tough you're far, your mind is always with that person and that you will always be there, not physical but in his/her heart, can you beat time? It's something we've been telling ourselves for a long time that we would never give up and that it's just 3 years, but no matter how strong a love is, missing you won in the end and cost me you. Our story hasn't ended yet, our story is always writing something new when the ends starts to come near, so just believe me when I say that there will always be a little bit of me with you all your life. Eventhough, there are moments we will be lonely and alone in a room, inside we will never be alone again, no matter what life brings us, my heart will never forget our story and I love you always. It isn't fair that the true hearts can't be together always, that the cheaters and the people that don't love each other can be together but that's the way love is, when you find someone that makes you sing you just have to do more afford to get what is really just your to have, you can just give your heart to one person. This person becomes the most precious thing in life when your heart tells you that he/she is the one for you to grow old with, don't doubt because of anything, when he/she is the right person for you go for it and do all you can to convince him/her that you are made for each other and make your own little fairy tale like I have had with you. So believe me when I say that I love you, I made this blog that is dedicated to you because I love you and every post I made beside 'Father's Day'' all are related to you to express the feelings I have in that moment or that day about you or because of you, I really miss you and I think it is a shame we aren't together anymore and I've got to live with it and that I don't like it won't change it so I can only let it be the way it is now. What the future will bring to you is happiness, I know it and won't stand in your way for you to find it because I wish you all the happiness in the world even tough it means that I can't give it to you, but my heart will never forget you and our story. Even it's not that long but still, you teach me something in my life. I don't care if there's someone after me. As long as you're happy then I'll be happy for you. Whatever happens I'll always remember you and I love you :)