I recently turned 21, in July. Something is happening to me, something old and sad and deep and working it's way out of me. I’ve been very unsatisfied with my life lately with the pursuit of career and money, with the quality of my relationships and I’ve recently put in my papers at my workplace. All around me, my friends and co-workers are moving ahead in life, finding partners, getting married and having babies and I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’ve done nothing worthwhile, except hide behind work, which has brought be no satisfaction anyway. I also don’t know where I belong. I don’t know my place in life. Friends are falling in love, finding partners and building their own homes, their own harbors of safety with them and I feel alone and left out, anchorless and bobbing in a sea. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t like me if I met me right now. I absolutely do not trust my own judgement. It has punched me in the gut to realise this but I don’t know how to love myself. I’ve stopped taking care of myself beyond the bare basics. I have no desire to look beautiful because who is looking at me? Although one part of my mind knows this thinking is wrong, I am too tired to pull myself out of it. What’s the point? I don’t know who I am. If you asked me to describe myself to you, I would have nothing to say. I’d give you the basics my name, where I’m from, where I grew up and perhaps something like ‘I like reading literary fiction and I love dogs.’ I’m also going through a phase where I’m feeling too much. There are days when I feel like a cork in the ocean, buffeted by torrents of emotion on all sides, leaving me utterly exhausted. Then there are calmer days when I try to meditate a bit, and I try to be friends with my mind. I live in Malaysia and I stay at home, with my family (mum, dad, younger sis and big brother) and my family has been wonderfully supportive in the best way they know how. My sister has been talking to me and telling me to work through my feelings, and my mother has been compassionate and caring and ‘mothering’ in the way moms are. To give you a little bit of background, I’ve always been the ‘action-oriented’ person the person who kept busy doing things, getting somewhere. And I’ve always had my personality and self-worth tied into my work. I am so-and-so and I do this-and-that. What I did gave me my self-esteem and my self-worth. When it comes to relationships, I’ve realised I’m someone who’s scared to let people get too close to me and then I feel alone and sad that no one cares enough about me. At this point, I don’t know how to talk to people anymore, I don’t know what to say, how to relate to them. I just feel like I’m at an utter and complete grinding halt. I don’t know HOW to do anything anymore. I know I need to love myself. I know I need to trust myself. I know I need to relate to people. I simply don’t know HOW TO. I'm just not in the good mood to do it. There's a lot of people want to know me but I just don't know what's wrong with me, I don't feels like socialize to anyone. I just feels like staying at home and be alone in my room. That's all :(
