I was right, but the last word you get in as the still living is a hollow thing, trailing off, as it does, into oblivion. I love Kowshik. There are no words to can contain love, to cloth it in words is to kill it, to mummify it and hope that somewhere in the heart of a reader, they have the strength and the magic to resurrect it. I can only say I love him. That I will always love him and that I known for years I would. He will always be that person who made me love him. I told him that I hate him and I don't love him but the truth is I do love him and no matter how much he hurts me I still happy as long as I'm with him. He was so frustrating and we fought. But we fought like we were two difficult people who can't escape loving each other. Maybe... On the last day we spoke, he said he loves me and he won't forget me. Sometimes I told him when he didn't have it in him to say. I'd say " I love you Kowshik " and he loves me too ". Always! We promised each other in a year to do everything that we've planned for each other. Soon when I move near him. I apologized so many times that I was better than what he was getting, that he got me destroyed. Still after stop talking for awhile. He come back when he had an issues in KL. I tried to talk to him and pretend like I'm not hurts. Plus, cares for his situation while he was being destroyed from inside and out. He may not say that out loud but I know. Maybe.. I struggled so hard but not as hard as he did. I told him time and again that I'll try my best to win him back. At the meantime meaning I'm here work my ass up just to stick with the promise that I've made. More than anything, together we loved the world, with the kind of love that grips and tears. We were fearsome creatures, chained to our caring, chained to other people. We were destroyed by the dreams and by enduring so much together of the difficult love affair of difficult dealing people. In the end, he told me he needed to get away from me and he says' times will tell '. I let him go and waited for the day he's come back. I knew that one day we'd have a day to be together again, though probably as a lovers or not. Together, as something that doesn't have a word. I'm giving chance to all the guy that wants to date me. I go out everyday just to fill the boredom and the pain that I have to deal. Having a date with them, it makes me forget him sometimes. But I don't stick to them. I only go out for lunch or dinner for one date to each person. There's no second date. Except, my bestfriend Ryan. The Guardian Angel. He's been there for me thick and thin. He saw me cry, he saw me at my own worst, he saw me on everything shit I'm dealing. I may hurts him, a lot. But I can't force myself to love someone that I can't truly love. He accepted that. He accepted this kind of friendship. My love for him is like the sister loves her brother. We may hug, do stupid things, drink beers, watching movies and dance like a retarded. But it just us, I'm too comfortable with him and he likes me like that. Because I can be myself with him. Only he the only guy who can really understand me. What I like what I don't like and etc. But I'm not the only one he need to take care of. He has a girlfriend now and she looks sweet and kind. I wish I can meet her one day. It's only for 4 days of having a dates and I'm back to the same old routines. Staying at home bloging, read books, play games and read poem after work. Just want to get myself busy. So that I can forget him. But today, I get a notifications from Instagram. I don't know who's buzzing me but I checked her out and after awhile, I found out she following Kowshik in Instagram. Then soon, I saw their comment on his picture. There's where I can tell that they're dating. So I ask him to make sure of it but that's so wrong. Because I'm ended up badly soon when he told me that they're dating. Guess I can get over it already but soon when he explain to me why she's stalking me then yes, it's a huge slap on my face. It's really hurt right on my chest. It's like a war going on inside my chest. The boom is too big and I'm dying inside. My heartbeat runs fast until I hardly breathing. The pain is more hurts than a girl who laying down in a bed at the hospital dealing with the pain after the operation. So yeah, it hits me really bad that I don't know how to forgive him or say something nice and then I ended up telling him that I heard enough and I don't want to know more. The conversation ends there and I don't have the courage to reply him back. I'm weak like totally weak until my tears fall down. Even I can tell you that myself. I usually don't tell anyone what's going on in my life. Even my close friend or my cousin nor my family. That's why I'm here. No one know me and they don't know what type of person I am. People always think that I'm brave, happy but actually, I'm just wearing a mask. I don't show it because my ego is too high and I don't want people to look me down. So he went on to another relationship, and I know this is not new. I know they've been talking for awhile now or spend time together. A part of me died with him. A part will always be with him. Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bones. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum. Bring out the coffin and let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, scribbling on the sky the message He is dead to me. Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves. Let the traffic policemen wear white cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West. My working week and my Sunday rest. My noon, my Midnight, My talk and my Song. I thought that love would last forever but I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now : Put out everyone. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Goodbye Hopes.. Goodbye Dreams...
Drowning in a darkness
Of deep despair
Believing the lies I hear
And seeing truths not there
See the rays of Sunlight
They shine upon your scars
Reaching for the Broken Smile
Among the hidden tears
Hearing the tear drops
Falling from my eyes
Believe my hidden secrets
And tell my stolen lies
Bring me to the surface
Give me air to breathe
Let me see the sorrow
Upon my Broke Dreams.
