** FAILURE **

        

I'm such a failure. Today is the bomb! Can't agree more about it. I feels so down these day. I can't concerntrate in everything. I just want to lazing around since it's my off week, drinking beers with good foods and movie. I don't know what else to do. My dreams are over, no money, no one to cuddle and what else?  Everything is not going well as it planned and it just breaks me like that. My mom angry at me because I failed the exam. My brother don't want to get me a Starbucks. Well Ya know, typical whites. I feels like I want to cry! Oh God, can you at least let me rest for awhile. Ugh! I'm so gonna waste my money again to repeat the exam.  Just whatever, too lazy to think. It just makes me nervous and scare so let it be. 

        

  

Love? I'm giving up on love. It's not worth to fight anymore. Its all said and done. He make it pretty clear that he don't want me back. It just me who trying to glue the broken glass and try to fix it. Even I know deep down it cannot be fix anymore and I admire my heart for that. Even it get broken too many times but I still have the courage to make it work again and still they break it, how cruel. Yes, pathetic isn't? You know what, sometimes I just feels like I want to use people or be bad. There's a lot of girl out there playing games with some dudes and they turned out just fine. They use people, playing them around, they got money, new dress, new watch etc, no broken heart, flirting around, happy and etc. why I can't be one of them? I'm so tired of everything. Tired being broken heart, tired being independent, tired earning money, tired of trying, tired of please people ass, just everything. And still, people don't know me judge me. I'm very a good person and a good lover ( I bet on that ) but you people just don't know me so well yet. I’m just a fucked up girl living in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. Welcome to where being me is * never enough *. Just because my eyes don’t tear doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry. And just because I comes off strong doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. You don’t understand me and never will. So don’t start that shit ‘bout knowin’ how I feel. My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams. I’m hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there’s always something to fuck it up, and we’re back at square one. Do you know what its like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what its like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply cause I’m not you. Things are going crazy and I’m not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I don’t feel the same. I’m slipping through cracks of floors I thought were strong. I’m trying to find a place where I feel like I belong. I think I’d do better on my own, no friends, no fights, just me ... Alone. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of crying. I know I’ve been smiling, but inside I’m dying. Maybe if I wasn’t so good at pretending to be happy, I might learn to actually be happy. I just want a day to go by. When I’m not pretending to be happy. Don’t be fooled by my smile, inside me I'm  breaking. Just a strong girl keeps her stuff in line and with tears running she stills manages to spit the simple words…”I’m fine….”. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh. I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am…isn’t me. There is only one rainy cloud in the sky… and it’s raining on me. Somehow im not surprised. Behind my smile is everything you’ll never understand. I didn’t want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry. Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that’s how I feel right now. I feel like I’m facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile. I don’t know if I’m getting better or just used to the pain. When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is. How can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I’m not okay? Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one minuet in my shoes? If you havent, then tell me why you judge me like you do. Every morning you get up and put on a fake smile but what if one morning you didn’t? Would anyone notice? The hardest part about living is taking breathes to survive when you don’t even want to. I can no longer take this torment it has pushed me to the edge of insanity. The girl who seemed unbreakable broke the girl who seemed so strong shattered. The girl who always laughed cried and the girl who always tried gave up. When she cries the make up runs from her eyes and she spit’s the truth about how she feels. Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of getting back up if falling is all im ever good for not many people can see the pain behind her mask. You only see what I chose to show, theres so much behind this smile that you don’t even know. Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me. No one will notice im tearing inside. No one will see im dying deep inside. The light in the tunnel can be a train. My dreams are completely shattered. Every last one of them, gone, forever. My heart so numb. I cant feel it beating and I dream of dark. But not of day. I’ve been cracking for so long and now I'm shattered into a million pieces and stand through the pain. I'll stand in the rain until it all comes crashing down. I swear the happiest day of my life is the day I die. Life is so full of secrets and lies so when you get screwed over don’t act surprised. Ask me whats wrong, I wont even know. Its how FAKE a smile can be and no one would notice the pain that lays beneath it all. I know it hurts. But its life and its real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but its life, and its pretty much all we got. Why am I so happy in public but so sad when I'm alone? Things to do today: *wake up** survive ** go back to bed * You wake to suffer through the day. Trade a dream for the pay. Well here’s the fact, I hope it sticks. You’re just alive out of habit. Music is my medication in my world of depression. I guess that’s what makes me sad is that if I just sat here and watched time pass by, no one would sit here with me. Maybe its just easier this way, maybe they’ll all just forget as I just fade away. When pain starts to make you feel alive you know you have crossed the line to no return. Theres always some reason to feel not good enough. The harder I try the harder I fall. Whats the point in screaming no one is listening anyway. She shut out the hole world including herself. You’re scared because you don’t understand. I'm scared because I do. I’m okay isn’t that what im suppose to say? Feel my pain, hear my screams and watch me fade.