2018

Wow! It's been like forever since I update here. Few years passed by and here I am, still surviving. Thank you, Allah for granted me with these lives. I appreciate every single bits of it! Even though, sometimes you test me bad, but I know there is something good behind it. So yeah! A lot of things happened, some people stays some of em' gone, they got married and has kids yet I'm still single and broke! HAHAHA! What a joke!

I finally moved from Sabah. I have been wanting this like forever! Trying to live my life. No people bothering me. Somehow, I felt sad. It is not simple to live on your own. Especially, at this place! I'm quiet proud of myself as I'm growing. Trying depending on myself, cried my lungs out, no one around. But it is great! Now, I know how to do my own stuff. I'm not so called "Daddy's Little Girl" anymore. I'm actually earning in one of the big company in this city. Life and people teach me a lot about life. Well, some people says you need to get out from your comfort zone, in order for you to grow. Which is absolutely true. I'm at that stage, where I came to realize doing same thing every single day won't make you go anywhere. I had changed in so many way. As in how I'm thinking, life, who to trust, what I need to do and what not. It's great feeling for being able to change how the way you live, physically and mentality. It's not that hard, it only take an effort and disciples. It would be nice if I could think of it and change my life 5 years ago. But realization is good enough for changing. People don't know me anymore. I guess it is better that way.

Think twice and act wisely

A girl in love asked her boyfriend.
Girl: Tell me. Who do you love most in this world?
Boy: You, of course!
Girl: In your heart, what am I to you?

The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and said, "You are my rib. It was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep, God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the woman of your life, you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."

After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while.


However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems, their life became mundane.

All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other. The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house. At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don't love me!"

The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were never my missing rib!"

Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while. He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up.

Before she left the house, "If I'm really not your missing rib, please let me go." She continued, "It is less painful this way. Let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners."

Five years went by...

He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly. She had left the country and back. She had married a foreigner and divorced. He felt anguished that she never waited for him.

In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her.

One day, they finally met. At the airport, a place where there were many reUNI0Ns and good byes. He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently.

Boy: How are you?

Girl: I'm fine. How about you? Have you found your missing rib?

Boy: No.

Girl: I'll be flying to New York in the next flight.

Boy: I'll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back. You know my number. Nothing has changed.

With a smile, she turned around and waved good bye.

Good bye...

One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York, in the event that shocked the world.

Midnight, once again, he lit his cigarette. And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart. He finally knew. She was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.

Sometimes, people say things out of moments of fury. Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental. We vent our frustrations 99% at our loved ones. And even though we know that we ought to "think twice and act wisely", it's often easier said than done.

Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control. Let us treasure every moment and everyone in our lives.

Tomorrow may never come. Give and accept what you have today.

Part two #2

A few days later Anita’s husband took her to the train station where they met the factory owner and the other women he had hired. They all boarded the train together and the train then left the station for its destination. While they were traveling the factory owner told the women that he had brought along some food for them to eat for lunch and he passed the food out to all of them and they had lunch together.

The next thing Anita remembered was waking up and noticing that she felt very strange and that it was dark outside and she was still on the train. The strange feeling lingered and soon she fell back asleep. 

When she woke up again she noticed that it was light outside and the train was traveling in a much more populated area, and she began to wonder where she was. Soon the train arrived at the station and the man who was the factory owner was joined by some other men and the women were taken from the train and put onto a bus.

The bus traveled further into the city and soon arrived at a hotel and all of the women were put into separate hotel rooms. A few hours later the man from the factory came to Anita’s room and told her the she had been chosen to work in a different factory and to go with the man who was introduced as the owner of the factory. Still suffering from the effects of being drugged to sleep she went with the man, but what she didn’t know was that he was really the owner of a brothel and she had been sold to him for 20,000 Indian Rupees to work in his brothel.

When they arrived at their destination the man took her into the building and as they were going up the stairs she suddenly realized that they weren’t in a factory at all and that she was clearly in trouble. Anita, finally getting over the effects of the drug began to resist and told the man that there was a misunderstanding and that she was supposed to be going to work in a factory. The man then began hitting her severely and threw her into a room and locked the door.

Three days went by and she was given no food and nothing to drink and finally she surrendered to the man’s demands and agreed to do whatever he said. She was finally given something to eat and was then introduced to her new job as a prostitute and all of the people she would be answering to in the brothel.

As time went on Anita began to learn in bits and pieces of conversations with the men who visited the brothel that she was in metro city, about a thousand kilometers from where she originally gotten on the train.

The days weeks and months came and went and then one day she was chosen by a man who was a new customer to the brothel. During their time together the man asked Anita where she was from and how it was that she came to be working in the brothel. Anita ran into tears and began telling him the story of how she was drugged and kidnapped and how it was that she came to be in the position she presently was in.

Some days later the man returned and again requested Anita’s company and when they were together he told Anita that he would help her escape the brothel and get to freedom and safety. They talked about how and when they would make their escape attempt and agreed on what they would do and where they would go together. The plan was now set and it would take place on the next visit the man would make to the brothel, in one week’s time.

When the day arrived Anita was very tense, and yet there was a certain excitement she was feeling at the hope of her pending escape from the brothel and the painful existence she had come to be accustomed to. She could hardly wait for the appointed time and the arrival of the man who promised to take her away from this terrible life and to the safety and freedom that awaited her. It was very clear to her that this man truly cared about her and that he was possibly even risking his own life should their escape be discovered and they should be caught.

Finally the time came and the man arrived at the brothel and as usual he was shown to Anita’s room. They immediately embraced and he told Anita that all was set and that they would wait a few minutes before they would carry out the plan. The man took this time to explain that they would go down to the end of the hallway and through the window, and then climb down the telephone pole that was just outside the window. Once they were on the ground they would run across and down the street until they got out of sight of the brothel and would then hail a taxi to take them to a nearby city where they would get a hotel room and spend the night. From there the next morning they would take a bus to the city where the man lived and they would start their new lives together.

The time came and out of the room they went, down the hallway to the window, the man helped Anita get on to the telephone pole first and then followed her. They were on the ground in just a few seconds and then they immediately followed the plan and ran down the street out of the view of the brothel. Amazingly no one seemed to have witnessed their escape and the man hailed down a passing taxi and they got in. The man quickly told the taxi driver where they wanted to be taken, that they were in a hurry to get there and he agreed to get them there as quickly as he could. 

On the way to their destination in the taxi driver asked why they seemed to be in such a hurry, and the man started explaining what he and Anita had just been through, and what their plans were. The taxi driver told them that he would help them however he could and that he was not going to charge them any money for the taxi ride or his help. Soon they arrived at the hotel and the taxi driver pulled his taxi up to the front door, stopped and wished them good luck, and when they were out of the taxi and had closed the door the taxi driver just smiled at them, nodded his head and drove away. Finally, it seemed, they were free.

The next morning Anita and the man woke up and checked out of the hotel. They then began walking to the bus station, which to Anita’s surprise was only a few blocks away from the hotel. It became clear to her that this man who risked so much to get her to freedom and safety had carefully thought out and devised their escape plan, so as to guarantee with as much certainty as possible, their success.

Once they arrived in the city where the man lived they got a taxi to take them to his home. Finally, Anita was free from the years of her troubled life and she was now in the care of a man who truly cared about and for her. It wasn’t long and they began to have children and fill their home with the love and respect that comes naturally when two people truly see themselves as each other’s life partners.

Story edited by Jeffrey Walters

Violence and Abuse

What you are about to read is the true life story of a young girl who at the age of 15 was thrown into the world of violence and abuse. The names and locations have been changed for the courtesy of providing privacy.

As a child growing up in the remote village of Orissa, in India, Anita was the eldest daughter and child in the family. She and the other children all attended a local school and Anita was studying in Standard 5 at the time. 

Living as they did, away from the benefits of more populated areas, meant that the opportunities in their daily lives were to a large degree much less promising than those of people living in more urban areas, but they managed quite well with what they had.

Anita’s father, the head of the family, worked as a truck driver for a local company and her mother took care of the household and all of the children. Their financial condition was certainly not one that anyone would consider wealthy, but everybody worked together and shared the daily tasks of the home and they managed to live relatively comfortably, though there was never the money required to provide any luxuries.

One day while her father was at his job driving the truck, he was following another delivery truck on the way to his delivery destination. Traffic was moving slowly as there was a marriage procession ahead of them. As is common in Indian marriage celebrations one of the men in the wedding party tossed a lit firecracker onto the road and when it went off the unsuspecting truck driver that Anita’s father was following suddenly slammed on his brakes.

This sudden stop caused the load of bagged agricultural Lime loaded on his truck to shift, resulting in some of the bags of Lime to be spilled onto the roadway, with the impact causing the bags to break open. Suddenly the powdered lime was scattered everywhere, and in the huge cloud of dust from the broken lime bags Anita’s father steered his truck towards the shoulder of the road finally getting his truck stopped without any further damages occurring.

But in the course of getting his truck safely stopped, Anita’s father had driven into and through the cloud of lime and some of it had gotten into his eyes, causing him terrible pain and temporarily blinding him.

After everything got settled down Anita’s father’s assistant took over the driving responsibilities and drove to the nearest hospital to have the doctor’s care for Anita’s father. At the hospital the doctors examined his eyes, but unfortunately the damage to his eyes was already done and the doctors told him that there was nothing that could be done to save his eyesight. 

With her father now back home and blinded, Anita’s family was now faced with the inescapable reality of finding a new way to provide for their needs now that her father, the family’s bread winner, could no longer work. This was a turning point in the family’s life and their condition went from bad to worse in no time.

Her mother began picking flowers from a nearby forest and started selling them at a local flower market to earn money to feed the family. And as there was no longer enough money to pay for her school fees, Anita a child of only 12, was forced to end her education. Her younger sister, suffering from polio and a lung condition soon began to fail in her health as there was no longer the money to pay for the needed medications and she soon died.

Anita was now feeling very sad, but was always trying to think of ways to earn money to help support the family. One day she met a lady in her village that had a job working in a factory in another town that manufactured ladies hand bags. Anita talked with this lady and explained her situation and asked the lady if she would inquire at the factory to see if Anita could go to work there.

After about a week the lady came back to the village and told Anita that she could have a job at the factory. So Anita went to work there and began providing the money to allow their family to pay for their living expenses.

When Anita was 15, one day her mother’s sister came to the house. While there Anita’s aunt asked Anita’s mother why she hadn’t found a suitable husband for Anita and her mother replied that she didn’t have the money that would be required for the dowry to get Anita married. So Anita’s aunt said that she would find a man who would be willing to pay for all of the wedding expenses. 

Three months later Anita’s aunt returned with a proposal. Anita and her father both voiced their opposition to the proposal as Anita was only 15 at the time, but her mother and her aunt said that the marriage would take place and informed the prospective groom’s family that the proposal was accepted.

After the wedding the new bride and groom, who was 10 years her elder, moved to Anita’s new husband’s village and set up their home. Being only 15 and unskilled in the responsibilities that come with managing a household, Anita soon fell from the graces of her new husband and he began to take his frustrations out on her by beating her. Unknown to Anita and her family at that time was the fact that Anita’s new husband was suffering from mental illness and this only added to the severity of the beatings.

The beatings continued until one day Anita was beaten into unconsciousness. After her consciousness returned Anita made the decision that she would no longer live under those conditions and so she returned to her parent’s home. Soon Anita’s husband was there at her parents home demanding that Anita come back home with him, but Anita refused and her parents agreed that she would not be returning to the husband’s village. A divorce was soon sought and granted and Anita once again began working at the women’s handbag factory.

Soon a year had passed and Anita met a man who also worked at the factory, they became friends and soon fell in love and decided to marry and move to the house where he was currently living. They seemed happy together and with them both working their jobs at the factory they were earning enough money to live comfortably.

Shortly after six months later Anita was injured in an accident on her way to work one day. The accident resulted in a broken leg and Anita’s leg was put into a cast and she was ordered by the doctor to stay off the leg as much as possible for the next 45 days. This was an unfortunate situation and soon Anita was informed that she no longer had a job at the women’s handbag factory. 

Once she had lost her factory job, her husband, realizing that the family income was now drastically reduced, began to look for a way to get out of this unfavorable situation. He contacted the owner of a brothel and arranged to sell Anita to the brothel owner for 10,000 Indian Rupees, or about $200.00 US. He then came home and told Anita that he had found her a job in a nearby town and that in a couple of days the owner of the factory would be arriving in town to take her and some other women he had hired by train to the city where the factory was located.

Continued in Part 2

Falling in Love with Someone You Can’t Have

Falling in love is the best feeling in this world. I know many of you think that love hurts a lot, partners are not trustworthy, they don’t understand your feelings or only you love them they don’t. If you feel all these negative things then please read this each and every word of it, with a practical approach. I am sure, it will help you a lot to enjoy your love rather than regretting it. This is one of the worse things that can happen to anyone, falling in love with someone you can’t have. The most challenging phase of love is when you fall in love with someone, whom you can’t get or not even think of getting him/her in your life. It hurts sometimes, and you even feel very painful when you miss that person. Loving someone is not in your control, it’s just a feeling and tough to get over it. Now, it’s up to you that how you take this love in your life, with a positive approach or negative approach? Having a negative approach has kept on crying for that person, who don’t take you more than a friend and not even notice your tears. Another approach is to take the feeling positively and enjoy the moment to the fullest.

How to be in love when another person when another person don’t love you back:

• Think in a positive way:

If you think that providing tips is very easy and applying them is very difficult than just for five days try to apply these tips with a positive approach. No tips can make your life better unless you want it to be better. If you will keep sympathy with yourself and expecting same with others, you won’t able to enjoy the feeling of true love.

• Expectations:

True Love is always unconditional, then why you start expecting that the person should love you back?

If you are expecting to return the love back as much as you love him/her then it’s not true love. Why can’t you just love that person? Love is neither a business nor a give and takes relationship. How you can think of love when you have so many expectations. Even if he/she doesn’t reply to your text messages, emails or phone calls, why you get hurt? You want to convey your feelings, and you did that. Don’t ever expect that the person will respond it back otherwise it will hurt you for sure.

• Don’t force them to love you:

The main reason for not getting the person you love is that they don't love you or might be committed to someone else. Think once from his/her point of view, you might not be the one he/she is looking for. Everyone has their choice and they have all rights to choose the one they find interesting and loving to them. You can never force anyone to fall in love with you. The day you will stop crying for your love, you will start enjoying it. But yes, the best advice would move on. Life is short and there is no point in waiting and falling in love with someone you can't have. Instead, find someone special who completes you.

Kiss Goodnight

Last night was fun.. Didn't expect having a date with Jeevs can be this fun. Even though, I thought about cancelling it. But, it would be bad since he came here just to see me. He landed early and by that time, I was in Hard Rock Cafe so he went straight to see me. "Finally, I got to see your ass here" he said. A small smirk on my face as my response. Then, we ended up at my friend place, Lush Bar. Such a nice place to chill, the music is good, the Macaroni Pizza was "Wallaaaaaa". I ordered a pint of beer and Nasi Goreng Kampung (Not bad). He actually had a good sense of humors. Funny, smart and sneaky at some way. I never thought that we can get along together since he sounds boring all the time haha. But seriously, he such a sweetheart. He did the sweetest things ever. It's been awhile since I go out and had quiet number of drinks. He's a good guy well maybe, we don't know yet. Well, if someone make you laugh pretty hard, the next day you might be falling in love with them. We talked all night talking about shit in life. Hours and hours of talking, guess who is watching us? Faisal!!!! Hahahahah. I don't even know either to laugh or cry... From his face, I can tell... Well, you hurts me long time ago. I may not officially together with this guy but damnnn! That feeling of being able to see your face watching me with a fine ass guy.. That is more than enough for me. With Jeevs holding my hand and play with my hairs the fuck not?!!  Everything just getting better and better. It was a good night indeed. I send him off to the hotel as he had a jetlag and wanted to rest. I rushed myself to meet Cynthia and Ian since I promise to see her in Starbucks. Once I'm done with them, I went home straight and sleep. Hahah he will come back again this month. I don't want to expect things from him. I totally gave up on everything. If it happen, then it happens. If it not, then yeah suck it. Cut the stories short, I enjoyed the night. It been awhile since I stay up late with someone and having deep conversation.

* I'M SCARED *

I'm scared... I did it again... I don't know where to start but I feels like I'm losing control every each day.. I don't know where to hold anymore.. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared I might losing everyone in my life. Shane already left me, Cynthia and Ian going back to London in 5 month time. Like seriously, I don't have anyone now. The only place I feel safe is with them. I want to socialize and I want to make friends, but the thing is I'm scared they gonna screw me over AGAIN. The only person I can trust is my own family. There's take a lot to find a true friend. The one who's gonna be there just for you. Well, this is torturing to know that everyone is going to leave me. Tsk.. Tsk.. 

* WHERE DO BROKEN HEART GO *

I know it's been sometime

But there's something on my mind

You see, I haven't been the same

Since that cold November day...

We said we needed space

But all we found was an empty place

And the only thing I learned

Is that I need you desperately..

So here I am

And can you please tell me 

" Where do my broken hearts go? ".

Can they find their way home

Back to the open arms

Of a love that's waiting there?

And if somebody loves you

Won't they always love you?

I look at you..

And I know that you still care

For me...

I've been around enough to know 

That dreams don't turn to gold

And that there is no easy way

No, you just can't runaway...

And what we have is so much more

Than we ever had before

And no matter how I try

You're always on my mind..

And now that I am here for you

Wish I'll never let you go

But sadly,

Your at a different arms now

Nothing I can say

But only to wish you 

To be happy with your own choice

Sure she will make you happy..

This is not what I wish,

But taking someone property

Isn't a good thing to proud of

I may be sad

I may be jealous

I may be hates that

But life goes on

And so am I..

I just wanted to see you happy

If you're happy with your choice

And I'm always here to be happy for you

So long, Almost Lover

A Bientot, au revoir..

* FRANK O'HARA *

#190 on top 500 poets

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Poems by Frank O'Hara : 4 / 

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        A Step Away From Them Poem by Frank O'Hara

It's my lunch hour, so I go

for a walk among the hum-colored

cabs. First, down the sidewalk

where laborers feed their dirty

glistening torsos sandwiches

and Coca-Cola, with yellow helmets

on. They protect them from falling

bricks, I guess. Then onto the

avenue where skirts are flipping

above heels and blow up over

grates. The sun is hot, but the

cabs stir up the air. I look

at bargains in wristwatches. There

are cats playing in sawdust.

On

to Times Square, where the sign

blows smoke over my head, and higher

the waterfall pours lightly. A

Negro stands in a doorway with a

toothpick, languorously agitating

A blonde chorus girl clicks: he

smiles and rubs his chin. Everything

suddenly honks: it is 12:40 of

a Thursday.

Neon in daylight is a

great pleasure, as Edwin Denby would

write, as are light bulbs in daylight.

I stop for a cheeseburger at JULIET'S

CORNER. Giulietta Maina, wife of

Federico Fellini, é bell' attrice.

And chocolate malted. A lady in

foxes on such a day puts her poodle

in a cab.

There are several Puerto

Ricans on the avenue today, which

makes it beautiful and warm. First

Bunny died, then John Latouche,

then Jackson Pollock. But is the

earth as full of life was full, of them?

And one has eaten and one walks,

past the magazines with nudes

and the posters for BULLFIGHT and

the Manhatten Storage Warehouse,

which they'll soon tear down. I

used to think they had the Armory

Show there.

A glass of papaya juice

and back to work. My heart is in my

pocket, it is Poems by Pierre Reverdy. 

* I MISSED HIM *

It's doesn't take much to miss him: A song, a movie or a TV show. Maybe it's a friend mentioning his name. The pain is almost unbearable.

The "HIM" I speak of is the man you used to be in relationship or the man who you hoped to in a relationship with. But he's no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You sill think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he's no longer a major part of your life for a reason: He's a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly and you know in your hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot even if he was and is bad for you. You're tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it's time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near. Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with the person which is the last thing you need. But you've probably texted him or called him more than once. You probably regretted it soon after you've done it. You can't just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you've made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight to zero. If given any chance, you would take him back in a second you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit 'I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.' Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn't really exist. Yup! That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn't really real. You may be saying '' wait a minute! I was in very real relationship, what do you mean he didn't exist?''. What you're missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is. You're missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the '' prefect guy ''. It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you've always wanted a man you're in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this " good " behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked: this guys might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines. But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn't actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. It's that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It's the version you miss so much. It's the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can't imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist the creation or idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly made you cry and made you feel lonely. But you don't think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?
The parts of him that you do miss don't really involve the negative. Rather, it's about the idylic. It's about little moments with him that were so amazing, you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad. Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the feel special, he's the one who makes you feel invincible. "The Idea" of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on. Night time is the worst, isn't it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger and sense of loss. Being alone is painful but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled. It's enough to make you want to throw something against the wall. "Why can't I just stop re-engaging, why can't I just move on, why can't I stop missing him". Why can't I make this go away? You're not going to stop missing him until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with. He was just a ghost :)