* Bad day x Bad day *

I apologize for the lack of blog activity for the last 2 days. I've been busy at work. Doing stock list, packing list and what so ever shit that busying me. But seriously, it's very tiring. Plus, period cramps strike and there's no way out of this so yeah. Having a bad one! Body weak, headache and etc. Everything just feels so wrong! GAH! Where various things are going in my family life right now that have made it harder to blog. I remain an active girl all day at work. Just ain't got no time to playing around this time. Need to earn money as soon as possible thou or else, I'm just gonna stuck in here forever. Which I don't want that to happen. I like this place but it's really hard to earn. So, I have to make it happen no matter what. This year is flying by and between my obligations, I have not felt like I have had a moment to sit still. In a way, I love it that way and I feels like I still come up short with accomplishing some of my goals. What is the point of my ramble? It is easy to set goals and much difficult to follow through with them. Make sure your climbing your goals can be followed through all the way otherwise you will not see the gains and make the accomplishments that you have been planning on. I just wanted to say thank you to anyone who has or continues to visit my blog. I am not the most fluent with my writing and I just try to share photos and moments that my family and I have had recently. 

* WEIGHING - IN *

Eating well hasn't been hard, but temptations are getting more tempting all the time. They're everywhere in the office and my house, I mean everywhere man! However, it doesn't mean I have to put any of those treats in my mouth. Weight on Saturday: 75kg. I'm staying true to my pledge not to gain over the holidays. If I can stay at this same weight or a little lower once the holidays are over, I'll be very satisfied. I think I should start Atkins back, weight isn't that satisfied me. I need to lose like 20kg in 3 month! I'm not sure if I can do it. But let's just see what's going to happen later. Just can't stand seeing the fat in my body and also, the temptation of nice dress, outfit etc.. I just can't deal with the pain when I see a nice outfit but there's no size for me. Do you know how torturing it is? If you're girl, you know exactly how's that feel! It's really sucks for God sake. Am I right? And I'm boobs, I secrectly hates them, like seriously! I just want to lose weight so that I would be able to wear something nice and looks good! Damn I don't know this topic can makes me this stress but whatever. Perhaps my trip back home and a good talk with my mother will bring some peace, love and lightness.

I'M WISHING YOU READERS WHO STOP BY ALL GOOD THINGS AND MORE :) HAPPY HOLIDAY AND HAPPY CHAP GOH MEI!

* Friday - 3.27PM *

These past couple of weeks have been, to say the least and put it mildly, challenging. Actually scratch that, the last year have been challenging due to some personal issues. I could use much stronger words, but if you follow me for a while you know I avoid sharing anything too personal on here and I especially avoid sharing the worst moments in life. We all have moments of those and this is a supposedly "inspirational" blog and I only want/tend to share nice moments that I either live myself or find around and want to share. Having said that, the last two or so years have been.... let's say... not the very best all around, I've had my fair share of misfortunes, my visa got cancelled (yeap!) I don't have a job and my friends (yes it was my choice but you get the gist) and being back home feels a bit like a step backwards (or many sometimes!). I've had great moments too these past years and I'm being greatly taken care of at home, I can't complaint, all in all I'm grateful. But life has been... challenging probably because I made it more challenging for myself but being too scared to move on and onwards and having trouble finding my way back. I'm a naturally indecisive person and new challenges scare me which makes all of the above a bit more difficult but I try to keep positive (always!) and while I do look back quite a lot (too much sometimes, with lots of nostalgia unfortunately unfunded!) I'm sure something better things are awaiting me somewhere. Damn, those pinterest inspirational quotes can only do so much! Plus, one always learns from the hardest moments in life, how to be better, a better person, more caring, stronger and able to cope better with anything that might come along. 

Anyway, this rant, quite longer than my shorter post that I expected, is to say that I'm in the middle of a bit of a hard time right now, and while I want to resume blogging as usual it might not be the best time to do so, so if you want, bear with me please, I will be back. 

Thank you xxx

* FEELING STUCK *

I recently turned 21, in July. Something is happening to me, something old and sad and deep and working it's way out of me. I’ve been very unsatisfied with my life lately with the pursuit of career and money, with the quality of my relationships and I’ve recently put in my papers at my workplace. All around me, my friends and co-workers are moving ahead in life, finding partners, getting married and having babies and I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’ve done nothing worthwhile, except hide behind work, which has brought be no satisfaction anyway. I also don’t know where I belong. I don’t know my place in life. Friends are falling in love, finding partners and building their own homes, their own harbors of safety with them and I feel alone and left out, anchorless and bobbing in a sea. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t like me if I met me right now. I absolutely do not trust my own judgement. It has punched me in the gut to realise this but I don’t know how to love myself. I’ve stopped taking care of myself beyond the bare basics. I have no desire to look beautiful because who is looking at me? Although one part of my mind knows this thinking is wrong, I am too tired to pull myself out of it. What’s the point? I don’t know who I am. If you asked me to describe myself to you, I would have nothing to say. I’d give you the basics my name, where I’m from, where I grew up and perhaps something like ‘I like reading literary fiction and I love dogs.’ I’m also going through a phase where I’m feeling too much. There are days when I feel like a cork in the ocean, buffeted by torrents of emotion on all sides, leaving me utterly exhausted. Then there are calmer days when I try to meditate a bit, and I try to be friends with my mind. I live in Malaysia and I stay at home, with my family (mum, dad, younger sis and big brother) and my family has been wonderfully supportive in the best way they know how. My sister has been talking to me and telling me to work through my feelings, and my mother has been compassionate and caring and ‘mothering’ in the way moms are. To give you a little bit of background, I’ve always been the ‘action-oriented’ person the person who kept busy doing things, getting somewhere. And I’ve always had my personality and self-worth tied into my work. I am so-and-so and I do this-and-that. What I did gave me my self-esteem and my self-worth. When it comes to relationships, I’ve realised I’m someone who’s scared to let people get too close to me and then I feel alone and sad that no one cares enough about me. At this point, I don’t know how to talk to people anymore, I don’t know what to say, how to relate to them. I just feel like I’m at an utter and complete grinding halt. I don’t know HOW to do anything anymore. I know I need to love myself. I know I need to trust myself. I know I need to relate to people. I simply don’t know HOW TO. I'm just not in the good mood to do it. There's a lot of people want to know me but I just don't know what's wrong with me, I don't feels like socialize to anyone. I just feels like staying at home and be alone in my room. That's all :(

* LIFE AND VALUE *

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.” 

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”

“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” :)

02 March 2015 - 10.47PM

        

  

*THE ROAD TO BE SUCCESS*

Real successes are made,

 Not dropped aside your door.

They aren't a thought you made one night,

While wishing upon a star.

Real successes are thought,

 To be given to only the great.

They think that they work just as hard,

And they should have that fate.

Real successes are because,

 Of someone making it so.

They fight for it and work real hard,

To make their successes grow.

Real successes are envied,

 And rumored on how they were made.

People can be so jealous,

And even want to betray.

    But you know how real successes,

   Are built with hard work and care.

    You've made your way to the top,

    I'm so proud to see you are there.

To each morning the sun does shine

When all seems like a newborn time

To dwell in laughter so much

Is only the beginning for me to clutch.

I will go out to find

Intelligent people of like mind.

To suffer or endure

Of friends who but will not do.

To look upon the earth with glee

For all beauty is in me

To grasp the clouds way up high

There is more before I die.

May I go upon the street

Never ending on my feet

Seeking out the best in others

Always to find I have more brothers.

To make a part of the world

A better place you see.

For every one I must explore

To look upon them as no one before.

To seek out and help

Others is more than joy

To be valued and respected

In all my life reflected.

All of this as said before

Makes me want to reach out more

For it is a challenge for me to reach

This is success for all to preach.

28 February 2015 - 9.35PM

Hello guys, wow I haven't write anything yet since yesterday. Was busy spending my quality time with the greatest people. Since this is my last month on giving up on everything. I feels like I just want to concerntrate to my future now. Just wanna do good thing and make myself proud later. It's worth the effort, right? If you want something, you have to work hard on it. So yeah

        

 

        

        

     N

                                     

 

                               

       

                                               

                                     

This is the some part that I do yesterday. Spending time with my family and going to dinner. Well, the date has been made and I'm going to leave the town. I'm so gonna miss you guys, especially my parent. I couldn't imagine how my life can be without you both. You took a good care of me for almost 22 years now. You teach me how to be a good person, you never miss praying for my happiness and my health everyday, there's too much thing you do for me and I can't thank much for it. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin, for not giving up on me when I didn't win, for your patience when I kept pushing you away, for caring when I said I didn't need you anyway. I am grateful knowing I can count on your strength, ask for your support and know you'll go to any length when I lose my way, you help me get back on track when in pain, your comfort soothes and brings me back. Im lucky to have you as my parent because when I was sad you gave me faith and hope. When I was confused you taught me how to cope, when I felt I couldn't go on, you carried me long miles when I didn't believe and you restored my smiles. Mom x dad, thank you for your guidance and the faith you've shown. For giving me a safe place where I have grown and for showing me how to strive because of your love, I will survive. I'm promise I will make you happy one day. Amin

        

Oh well, we are at this topic again! Accurate? Well yes, all people was asking me. How I can move on too past? I was too down and then few days later, I can be like what I used to. I don't keep any secret, it just my nature. If I know that someone don't want me anymore and hurt me that much, I'm just gonna throw everything and never look back again. What's the point of wanting someone who doesn't want you? You don't get anything. Plus, you're torturing yourself. So, it just better to let go. If he want you, he surely make an effort to do something about it. Example me, he once said that he really want me okay? But he never make an effort to do so. He just leave you there hanging with no text and stuff but still giving you hope. Can you imagine that? So, it pointless. No matter how hard you try you'll never get him. The promise and the decision I've made? Just screw them all. There's no point of bringing this all up. Thank God I get my head fix. So my best advice, don't chase someone you can't have, just appreciate someone who chase you. Who knows they can make a world to you. I can't promise you that but just lets hope for the best and that's what I'm doing now. Giving a chance to someone who appreciates me :)

Friday - 9.19PM

                Fighting The Feeling.... 

I am sure we've all had bad experiences. I am no different from the rest of you. But I am a girl that is a huge fan of moving on when necessary and I can forgive but never forget. Sometimes it breaks my concentration and I can be a terrible mess when I think about the past. But if there is one thing I miss about the past is that I had love. Everyday I woke up to see my ex boyfriend face. He would smile and greet me before I get out of bed. Work wasn't so hard because he would send me I love you texts and it would put a smile on my face no matter how deep the workload was. All the little things. Just the fact that I was in love made my days a hell of a lot better. Now I just live for me but no matter how much I try, I can''t get over it. I just miss the feeling of being in love the fact that no matter how much crap you go through at the end of the day I came home to him and he would make anything that may of happened obsolete and the only thing that mattered is the time I spent with him. But those days are over and the best advice I can give to people is to cry if you need to. Let it out. It's not gonna be healthy for you to hold it in but you have to fight the feeling. I can't let it overwhelm me and you can't let it either. I am sure if we keep the faith up and in no time we can get past the bad times and look forward to more and better experiences.

Thursday - 1.28pm

 

         

Admit it. You did something dumb and you've broken your iPhone. Somehow. Some way. You've got yourself an iPhone with a cracked screen or perhaps one that's been waterlogged from a dip in the pool. It happens. It's not that fun. But after a while, we can look back and disappointed. What's your story? I've heard quite a few broken iPhone stories. Some are legitimate accidents "It just fell out of my backpack and landed squarely on its face." Some are funny and embarrassing  "I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Don't ask." Some of us scramble to get things patched up right away, while most of us suck it up and face the mistake (literally!). Here's my story, I don't know what's happened actually. It just happen so quick and I can't even think. Angers and emotion what controls me that time. Mom scolded me for something that I didn't do, my dad scolded me for wasting my money, Irfan don't wanna delete my all photo that he had on his laptop when we still together before which I don't like it, Friends pissed me off and yeah, kowshik had a new girlfriend, Tumi amar? I don't know what to say anymore. I just saw his status. I just wish he will be happy, of course and I'm giving up on everything. My life is totally ruin now. Maybe it's time to walk away from everyone life and just be died to them. Live alone, if someone cares they'll make an effort to find you. But if they don't, well you have to deal with it. Am I right? Phone is crashing there's no way I can find that much money to buy the new one. Plus, I don't think phone is important to me anymore. Who want to find me anyway? No one. Even with the person you secretly want to talk, don't want to talk to you? Who cares about your friends? I'm sure they have more better to do with their life. Your admire? I think this is the best for them. Keeping my distance from them. So day by day they'll forget me. It just torturing me seeing them can't have what they want because I know exactly how it feels like. Guess it's all end now. 

** FAILURE **

        

I'm such a failure. Today is the bomb! Can't agree more about it. I feels so down these day. I can't concerntrate in everything. I just want to lazing around since it's my off week, drinking beers with good foods and movie. I don't know what else to do. My dreams are over, no money, no one to cuddle and what else?  Everything is not going well as it planned and it just breaks me like that. My mom angry at me because I failed the exam. My brother don't want to get me a Starbucks. Well Ya know, typical whites. I feels like I want to cry! Oh God, can you at least let me rest for awhile. Ugh! I'm so gonna waste my money again to repeat the exam.  Just whatever, too lazy to think. It just makes me nervous and scare so let it be. 

        

  

Love? I'm giving up on love. It's not worth to fight anymore. Its all said and done. He make it pretty clear that he don't want me back. It just me who trying to glue the broken glass and try to fix it. Even I know deep down it cannot be fix anymore and I admire my heart for that. Even it get broken too many times but I still have the courage to make it work again and still they break it, how cruel. Yes, pathetic isn't? You know what, sometimes I just feels like I want to use people or be bad. There's a lot of girl out there playing games with some dudes and they turned out just fine. They use people, playing them around, they got money, new dress, new watch etc, no broken heart, flirting around, happy and etc. why I can't be one of them? I'm so tired of everything. Tired being broken heart, tired being independent, tired earning money, tired of trying, tired of please people ass, just everything. And still, people don't know me judge me. I'm very a good person and a good lover ( I bet on that ) but you people just don't know me so well yet. I’m just a fucked up girl living in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. Welcome to where being me is * never enough *. Just because my eyes don’t tear doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry. And just because I comes off strong doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. You don’t understand me and never will. So don’t start that shit ‘bout knowin’ how I feel. My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams. I’m hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there’s always something to fuck it up, and we’re back at square one. Do you know what its like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what its like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply cause I’m not you. Things are going crazy and I’m not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I don’t feel the same. I’m slipping through cracks of floors I thought were strong. I’m trying to find a place where I feel like I belong. I think I’d do better on my own, no friends, no fights, just me ... Alone. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of crying. I know I’ve been smiling, but inside I’m dying. Maybe if I wasn’t so good at pretending to be happy, I might learn to actually be happy. I just want a day to go by. When I’m not pretending to be happy. Don’t be fooled by my smile, inside me I'm  breaking. Just a strong girl keeps her stuff in line and with tears running she stills manages to spit the simple words…”I’m fine….”. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh. I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am…isn’t me. There is only one rainy cloud in the sky… and it’s raining on me. Somehow im not surprised. Behind my smile is everything you’ll never understand. I didn’t want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry. Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that’s how I feel right now. I feel like I’m facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile. I don’t know if I’m getting better or just used to the pain. When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is. How can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I’m not okay? Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one minuet in my shoes? If you havent, then tell me why you judge me like you do. Every morning you get up and put on a fake smile but what if one morning you didn’t? Would anyone notice? The hardest part about living is taking breathes to survive when you don’t even want to. I can no longer take this torment it has pushed me to the edge of insanity. The girl who seemed unbreakable broke the girl who seemed so strong shattered. The girl who always laughed cried and the girl who always tried gave up. When she cries the make up runs from her eyes and she spit’s the truth about how she feels. Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of getting back up if falling is all im ever good for not many people can see the pain behind her mask. You only see what I chose to show, theres so much behind this smile that you don’t even know. Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me. No one will notice im tearing inside. No one will see im dying deep inside. The light in the tunnel can be a train. My dreams are completely shattered. Every last one of them, gone, forever. My heart so numb. I cant feel it beating and I dream of dark. But not of day. I’ve been cracking for so long and now I'm shattered into a million pieces and stand through the pain. I'll stand in the rain until it all comes crashing down. I swear the happiest day of my life is the day I die. Life is so full of secrets and lies so when you get screwed over don’t act surprised. Ask me whats wrong, I wont even know. Its how FAKE a smile can be and no one would notice the pain that lays beneath it all. I know it hurts. But its life and its real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but its life, and its pretty much all we got. Why am I so happy in public but so sad when I'm alone? Things to do today: *wake up** survive ** go back to bed * You wake to suffer through the day. Trade a dream for the pay. Well here’s the fact, I hope it sticks. You’re just alive out of habit. Music is my medication in my world of depression. I guess that’s what makes me sad is that if I just sat here and watched time pass by, no one would sit here with me. Maybe its just easier this way, maybe they’ll all just forget as I just fade away. When pain starts to make you feel alive you know you have crossed the line to no return. Theres always some reason to feel not good enough. The harder I try the harder I fall. Whats the point in screaming no one is listening anyway. She shut out the hole world including herself. You’re scared because you don’t understand. I'm scared because I do. I’m okay isn’t that what im suppose to say? Feel my pain, hear my screams and watch me fade. 

It's okay to dream :)

       

   

Dreaming of being good again and being with you in the future, that are the only things I want to dream about, just is bad my mind is seeing it differently, just making me see pain of life, pain of me and of other people. I lived my dream for a while, for just over months I actually lived a dream, not knowing if you’re sleeping or not because it was so beautiful, I enjoyed every second of it, I loved every moment of we being able to be together. Maybe not physical but still I received every message you wanted to send me, from telling that you loved me or just a little joke and I hope it are the things I will see again in the future. I want to dream again about all the good things in life you have shown me, what it is to be loved so much that you can feel it all the time, that your heart actually can melt from far away, that you can feel your heart really warm and knowing always that there is someone that will be there for you always, that you can trust someone with your life and all your secrets and not needing to worry that you will tell them to someone else or make fun of it, that makes you smile every time he says a word, that he makes you feel beautiful just by saying that you have beautiful eyes and a pretty smile. I want to be happy in my life again and smile like I used to do when I was with you, but I know it isn’t possible in a short time, I first need sort out my life and need to face my problems before I can dream again of a good life. Without you my life is cold and empty. Sad but true... 

** The story of a heart **

                         

Sorry that this story took so long, I did not have a lot of inspiration lately and I couldn't find interesting, sweet and kind things to write since I've written already many, many things here on my blog but this is something new I've been working on, I tried to make it something that will speak to you when you read it and I hope it will show that how good something may be, It can always be better than it looks and time will tell it to you if the impression you have of someone will stay the same all the time or gets better or worse. Have a good time reading and I hope you will remember better times :)

You will remember it all your life when you meet a person that fits you so, so well that you want to tell him everything and want to share everything with him, that life seems nothing but a party and that it doesn't matter where he is, where he is from, if he is rich or poor or is cute or not, you know you want to be there so bad that it physically hurts that you aren't there. A person that has a listening ear for you and where you can spill all your problems without being judged for them, where that person tries to be the best for you and make you happy every single way he can, even tough he isn't perfect he tries to be perfect for you just to make you happy and feel good. When this person makes you happy you start to feel warm inside, your heart starts to glow and give you wonderful feelings inside and you know you want more, you started to get addicted to this person but it is commonly known as ''being in love'' and it is true, when you're in love you don't want anything else than be with the person you're in love with all the time and try to make this person as happy as this person makes you happy. If we ask Wikipedia what love is Wikipedia will say that it is an emotional reaction to a person that gives chemical reactions that feel good but I think what we had was so much stronger, what we had was so, so perfect, it was way further than in love, you weren't my true love, you were so much more. I don't know how else to describe it. Every moment I was with you it was like a dream, the way we could talk the talk, how the connection between us was so strong from the beginning, that every night we smiled together when we imagined everything we wanted to, that we loved each other already from the beginning and that you made me feel the way no one has ever done before and I can still feel you inside my heart, I hear your voice in my head telling me everything will be alright while it isn't, but just to hear it makes me feel better, my heart still plays our story when I feel sad, just like it did when I wasn't here and in the moments I wanted to give up, your voice made me continue my way. But like every good story, there is a sad part too... what happens when 2 people love each other with all their heart but can never be together, well let's just say 3 years but that's no difference with forever, what would you do? would you give up or stick together, Will your love fight the tears of your lover and make him/her believe that even tough you're far, your mind is always with that person and that you will always be there, not physical but in his/her heart, can you beat time? It's something we've been telling ourselves for a long time that we would never give up and that it's just 3 years, but no matter how strong a love is, missing you won in the end and cost me you. Our story hasn't ended yet, our story is always writing something new when the ends starts to come near, so just believe me when I say that there will always be a little bit of me with you all your life. Eventhough, there are moments we will be lonely and alone in a room, inside we will never be alone again, no matter what life brings us, my heart will never forget our story and I love you always. It isn't fair that the true hearts can't be together always, that the cheaters and the people that don't love each other can be together but that's the way love is, when you find someone that makes you sing you just have to do more afford to get what is really just your to have, you can just give your heart to one person. This person becomes the most precious thing in life when your heart tells you that he/she is the one for you to grow old with, don't doubt because of anything, when he/she is the right person for you go for it and do all you can to convince him/her that you are made for each other and make your own little fairy tale like I have had with you. So believe me when I say that I love you, I made this blog that is dedicated to you because I love you and every post I made beside 'Father's Day'' all are related to you to express the feelings I have in that moment or that day about you or because of you, I really miss you and I think it is a shame we aren't together anymore and I've got to live with it and that I don't like it won't change it so I can only let it be the way it is now. What the future will bring to you is happiness, I know it and won't stand in your way for you to find it because I wish you all the happiness in the world even tough it means that I can't give it to you, but my heart will never forget you and our story. Even it's not that long but still, you teach me something in my life. I don't care if there's someone after me. As long as you're happy then I'll be happy for you. Whatever happens I'll always remember you and I love you :)

* This what I promise you - Maymay *

        

      

When I first met you, I felt like I had known you forever, telling you my secrets and what I didn't want ever. You listened to me, I bet you thought I'd never end, who would have thought we would become more than just a friends? Over a period of time, I got to know the real you. A boy so caring and gentle, with a heart so true. You've survived your life with hurt and loneliness by your side. I told you I'd never leave because of the feelings I have inside. I know you like no one I have ever known and sometimes I wonder what I'd do if you were gone? So I have decided, time answers all. If it is meant to be, time will remove the wall. I love the way we are together, you can always make me smile. Will it ever really be forever? I guess I will have to wait awhile. Time will reveal what lies ahead but always remember what I have said. Meeting you has changed my life and I really love you so, the feelings I feel for you, I am never letting go. Remember me always and I will too. I always think of me and you. When the time has come, I'll come and get you :) K.R.S 

* THE END OF OUR STORY *

I don't believe in love anymore. I once was love's biggest fan. I loved love. I believed in love at first sight, true love, soul mate, all that mushy-gushy stuff the best songs and books are written about. It's what every little girl dreams about. One day my prince will come.... blah blah blah. I used to believe in love. I was in love, like I'm talking head over heals, stars in your eyes in L-O-V-E. I loved you with all my heart even though I knew you weren't perfect. You were always more sure about us. Then we broke up for stupid things I do but our hearts led us back together after three months of not ever really being broken up. I thought my world would end. But time heals all wounds right? And I were so sorry and it was the biggest mistake I've ever done to you and you took me back once again. We were happy again even something are changes and we are more to express our feeling together saying stuff that we are gonna do later. I was living every girls fantasy and I've plans for us in future. I can imagine that against the odds we were soul mates made for one another. I'm actually getting my shit together here, through the hard day at works just to find money and save it to live near you. Just want to see you every single day, just like what you wanted. I thought that's what can make you happy and us. Im trying to make you happy and change us. But you started to ignore me, saying that you're busy and stuff. I understand that you have to run your business. But I just don't get it why you still can manage to online and not replying me. It's only took like 1 minute to text back. I gave you chances without getting mad because I want to see whether I'm worth to you. But sadly, it's still same, every fucking day. I don't get any text from you when I woke up. I called but you never answer. Tell me, what should I do? Nothing I can do. Its only me who trying so hard to make it work again. You said you want to make it up to me, but all I can see is nothing. What should I be more upset about my broken dreams and broken heart, or the fact that I fell for it? Only fools fall in love, and love played me like a fiddle. So I don't believe in love anymore. Because if you don't believe in love there is nothing to cry about, and I don't have anymore tears to cry. So I gave up on love because it gave up on me. Thank you for being part of my life. Eventhough, it's only for awhile. Same goes to the broken dream, I'm sorry I can't make it. 

* Chinese New Year *

First of all, I want to wish Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrated it. May the year of the goat, ram or sheep bring you audacious smile, an extra spring in your steps and spare change at the end of every transaction. My celebration went well, the big dinner is delicious as usual, the fireworks is awesome and the family is in the good health. Thank you God for the good people around me even sometimes they can hurt me so bad but I still appreciate for having them in my life. 

                                 

       

                 B.                   

         

                                   

                                  

                                             

                                    

            

                                   

This is part of my Chinese New Year eves. Went to shopping with my lovely niece, Shane and Mehmet. And at night, went to Yamchaa x shopping with Cynthia. 

                                    

      

   

                                    

                                    

    

                                    

I don't capture much just video of the people and the fireworks and stuff. But I couldn't upload it and I don't know why. Guess that's all for today. Hehe

I start falling in love with this poem when I read " Beastly" the other day.

                                     

                                                 Having a Coke with You - Frank O’Hara

                       is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz,
                       Bayonne or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
                       partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
                       partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt,
                       partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
                       partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
                       it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
                       as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
                       in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
                       between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles and 

                       the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint

                        you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them I look

                        at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world

                        except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
                        which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
                        and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
                        just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
                        at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
                        and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
                        when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
                        or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
                        as the horse.

                        It seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience 

                        which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you
                        about it...